Monday, May 12, 2008

Mother's Day

I meant to post yesterday to wish all of the mothers a wonderful day, but I just let time get away from me. We spent the day at my mamaw's with my mom and 2 of my aunts and other family. We had dinner and homemade cherry and banana ice cream. Aidan did really well while we were there and slept on the couch for a while. When he woke up I got him down in the floor to sit up for a while. Evan was his usual self, being spoiled rotten by my aunt and cousins.

I won't lie and say I'm doing well. I'm sad. For the past week or so, I've cried every day, multiple times a day. I look at Aidan and I can't help but think of how alive and energetic and happy he used to be. I miss the noise and the mess he used to make. I'd give anything just to hear him say "mama" again. I don't want to wait weeks or months or years.

I don't know how other parents have gotten past this grief- missing the child that once was and accepting the new, broken one. That's just exactly how it feels. Aidan is broken and I can't fix him. No amount of work that I do can fix him. I can love him and I can hold him, and I do. I hold his hand each night as he's drifting off to sleep and I pray that the old Aidan will wake up and come back to life. I want more than anything for the past almost 3 months to have been a horrible dream. I want to wake up and my life be back to the way it was.

So anyway- I spent my Mother's Day trying to forget how I feel like a terrible mom and tried to focus it on my mom and my mamaw, and my aunts. I hope they all know how much I love them, respect and appreciate them.

6 comments:

Luke's Mom said...

No advice or words can bring comfort for what you are feeling. I still grieve the old Luker's. I will pray that God will give you His amazing strength to get through this extremely hard time. I continue to pray that Aidan will make a quick recovery for I know with God nothing is impossible. If you ever want to talk please call me, I'm hear to listen.

Love in Christ,
Sue Searles

Anonymous said...

Oh Erin...Happy Mother's Day. You are a great mom, and the boys are so very lucky to have you.

~Lisa AKA 4Gifts4Lisa

Anonymous said...

I hope if I am ever faced with a tragedy I will have 1/2 the strength and mom-power that you have!
Sabrina-Tallahassee

Teresa said...

Erin,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Honestly, you don't ever get over it. I had to allow myself to forget (or at least not think) about the old Samuel much. It's the only way I could deal with it. I still cry, though, and it's been nearly 3 years. I pray that the HBOT will help Aidan and that with time, he will at least become more aware of you and more able to smile and laugh and show you that not all in his life is bad or hard. I wish I had a magic pill to make it all go away. But know that you are a good mom. God gave you one of his most precious souls to care for in this life. He must've known you would do it well.

Prayers for Aidan,
Teresa
www.samuelsmiracle.com

Anonymous said...

Erin,
You know deep down that you are a great mom. Caiden gets away from me almost every day for a second. I'm constantly following him. They are so fast. I'm trying to get rid of our outdoor fish now so I don't have to worry about him getting into the little pond we have. I second what Sabrina said! Stay strong!
Love,
Brandy

Jacqueline Nolan said...

Erin,

I understand your feeling from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes. My son has diabetes. Now, what I deal with is different. But I know the emotions of wanting to fix it, change it, make it go away. The disppear of the most beautiful, most perfect, child never being the same again. The unknown of what tommorrow will bring. How much more can I handle? It has been 10 years on May 23rd. I can not say it gets better but it gets easier. You learn to deal with everything that is thrown your way. You become more educated than any doctor. And at the end of the day you stop and smell the rose because they still do exsist. And most important you learn to stop and do for yourself because a broken you does not do your child any good. You are allowed to read a book that is not a medical one. You can paint your toe nails and eat a brownie and have a moment to breath. And right about now you are thinking sure that is going to happen. But it will and you will see time does help. God Bless! And keep up being a great Mom! Hugs!