I meant to post yesterday to wish all of the mothers a wonderful day, but I just let time get away from me. We spent the day at my mamaw's with my mom and 2 of my aunts and other family. We had dinner and homemade cherry and banana ice cream. Aidan did really well while we were there and slept on the couch for a while. When he woke up I got him down in the floor to sit up for a while. Evan was his usual self, being spoiled rotten by my aunt and cousins.
I won't lie and say I'm doing well. I'm sad. For the past week or so, I've cried every day, multiple times a day. I look at Aidan and I can't help but think of how alive and energetic and happy he used to be. I miss the noise and the mess he used to make. I'd give anything just to hear him say "mama" again. I don't want to wait weeks or months or years.
I don't know how other parents have gotten past this grief- missing the child that once was and accepting the new, broken one. That's just exactly how it feels. Aidan is broken and I can't fix him. No amount of work that I do can fix him. I can love him and I can hold him, and I do. I hold his hand each night as he's drifting off to sleep and I pray that the old Aidan will wake up and come back to life. I want more than anything for the past almost 3 months to have been a horrible dream. I want to wake up and my life be back to the way it was.
So anyway- I spent my Mother's Day trying to forget how I feel like a terrible mom and tried to focus it on my mom and my mamaw, and my aunts. I hope they all know how much I love them, respect and appreciate them.