Today was Aidan's appointment with the eye doctor. He just confirmed what we already knew. Aidan is "cortically blind." What this means is that while Aidan's eyes are perfectly healthy, his brain isn't able to interpret visual information. He responds to light and bright colors and high contrast (ex. black and white designs), but he doesn't follow faces or toys. He can't look at me or anyone else and actually know who or what he is looking at. This is what we already knew because of where the damage is in his brain.
This could be permanent or it could be temporary. Because he is so young and because we are doing everything we can to help his brain heal and repair the damaged areas, we're hoping that the blindness is temporary and that it will improve over time.
I don't know what else to say. It isn't like the doctor told me anything that I didn't already know, but it's the confirmation of that fact that really upsets me. My son can't look at me and know that I'm his mother. It breaks my heart.
Right after the accident while Aidan was still in the coma, I had this vision of Aidan waking up like most of us do from anesthesia, groggy but able to say "momma" and able to move. I just thought he might be weak. I pictured him leaving the PICU to the regular peds unit and us wheeling him around in the little wagon or car like I would see the other parents doing. I thought my child would recover and be normal.
Lets just say that my nice pleasant daydream was squashed. It became apparent that I was horribly naive about the extent or seriousness of Aidan's accident. And then again, maybe that isn't the case. I just wanted to have hope that my baby was going to wake up and be the same little boy, that the whole gut wrenching experience was nothing more than a nightmare. So, maybe that explains why I'm so depressed.
I wake up every day and I wish that I could go back and have my old life back. I pretend that Aidan is going to wake up from sleeping in his little car bed and come running in our room and climb up in the bed with me and snuggle. My faith is wavering. I want to put this all in God's hands, I want to just let it all go and move on, but I can't. I can't move on. I'm lost. I don't know if I'm doing the right things to help Aidan. I've been thrown into a world that I knew nothing of before this accident.
Oh, well.... enough of the depressing rambling. Aidan is fine. He was a little irritable today, but he calmed down this evening and was really sleepy.
On the golf tournament front, we don't have any registration forms in. We've had some people say they are going to be playing, but nothing in writing. I have a feeling this whole thing is going to be a flop, and I'm afraid it's going to end up costing us in the end. It's pretty disappointing. I'm hoping that we'll get some forms in the mail tomorrow and Friday, although Friday is our deadline and we have to tell the golf course how many players we have.
Please say a prayer that we have a good turnout for the tournament. Pray for healing for Aidan and for his sight and for me to find some peace in dealing with all of this.