I hope that everyone had a Happy Holiday and Merry Christmas. I meant to post a card, but never got around to it. I wasn't much in the mood really. The boys had a good Christmas. Evan racked up on toys, not that he needed any, although I think his favorite is the little tikes truck Santa brought. He's in it first thing every morning and pitches a fit if you have to change his diaper first.
Aidan got a lot of therapy toys and the like. Santa brought him a couple of vibrating pillows and a therapy ball along with some toys that light up. It was hard buying gifts for him because we really didn't know what to get him. They both got several books and DVD's.
Christmas eve and day were really hard on me. Christmas day after opening gifts at my mom's, I came home and crawled in the bed and slept. I just wanted to forget about it. Our GPS was stolen out of our van that day too.
Yesterday we found out that Russell's job is ending tomorrow. He went on an interview last week and has had several emails regarding other positions so we'll have to wait and see. Luckily he has worked at his job long enough to qualify for unemployment until he finds something.
This is not the way I wanted to start the year. The economy sucks and it looks like I'll have to try to find a part time job. If I'm lucky I can find something, but I'm not going to hold my breath. Things are rather tight after moving and covering those expenses. I wish we could have waited longer to move, but it had to be done. We needed our own place. It's been better for Aidan and all of us in general.
Anyway, we're fast approaching the anniversary of Aidan's accident and his 3rd birthday. I don't even know how to handle it all. I wish someone would invent a time machine so I can just go back and redo the last year and pretend it was all a horrible, miserable nightmare. I guess in my own little fairytale world 2008 will just start over at the stroke of midnight tomorrow night. Wouldn't that be nice. If that would happen, I'd do everything in my power to keep Aidan safe. I'd listen to my gut when I felt I should have brought him inside that day... or maybe I wouldn't even have his birthday party that day. I'd keep his little monkey backpack "leash" on him and not let him out of my sight EVER!
I know I'm bargaining... I'm in complete denial, but damnit! I want my baby back. I want to go back to our boring mundane life where Aidan runs into my room every morning and snuggles with me. Where he jabbers to himself even though I insist he try to talk. I'd be willing to give up as much of my life as I had to to keep him from going near the pond just so he could be normal again, so he could be safe.
I'm sorry to be so depressing, but I've had all I can take. Russell losing his job, a job that he really enjoyed and we were hoping and praying would go permanent and just the whole holiday has really got me down. I don't know when or where in my life I screwed up to bring this existence on myself or my children, but I wish I knew. I wish I could fix it all. Aidan and Evan deserve better than me. Aidan deserves to be a normal, happy little boy. He and Evan should be fighting over that stupid truck and laughing and playing together.
I wish it was me instead of my baby. Oh, well... enough moping and wishing for something that isn't ever going to happen. So much for a new year- maybe it will be better.