Tuesday, December 30, 2008

hopefully 2009 will be better

I hope that everyone had a Happy Holiday and Merry Christmas. I meant to post a card, but never got around to it. I wasn't much in the mood really. The boys had a good Christmas. Evan racked up on toys, not that he needed any, although I think his favorite is the little tikes truck Santa brought. He's in it first thing every morning and pitches a fit if you have to change his diaper first.

Aidan got a lot of therapy toys and the like. Santa brought him a couple of vibrating pillows and a therapy ball along with some toys that light up. It was hard buying gifts for him because we really didn't know what to get him. They both got several books and DVD's.

Christmas eve and day were really hard on me. Christmas day after opening gifts at my mom's, I came home and crawled in the bed and slept. I just wanted to forget about it. Our GPS was stolen out of our van that day too.

Yesterday we found out that Russell's job is ending tomorrow. He went on an interview last week and has had several emails regarding other positions so we'll have to wait and see. Luckily he has worked at his job long enough to qualify for unemployment until he finds something.

This is not the way I wanted to start the year. The economy sucks and it looks like I'll have to try to find a part time job. If I'm lucky I can find something, but I'm not going to hold my breath. Things are rather tight after moving and covering those expenses. I wish we could have waited longer to move, but it had to be done. We needed our own place. It's been better for Aidan and all of us in general.

Anyway, we're fast approaching the anniversary of Aidan's accident and his 3rd birthday. I don't even know how to handle it all. I wish someone would invent a time machine so I can just go back and redo the last year and pretend it was all a horrible, miserable nightmare. I guess in my own little fairytale world 2008 will just start over at the stroke of midnight tomorrow night. Wouldn't that be nice. If that would happen, I'd do everything in my power to keep Aidan safe. I'd listen to my gut when I felt I should have brought him inside that day... or maybe I wouldn't even have his birthday party that day. I'd keep his little monkey backpack "leash" on him and not let him out of my sight EVER!

I know I'm bargaining... I'm in complete denial, but damnit! I want my baby back. I want to go back to our boring mundane life where Aidan runs into my room every morning and snuggles with me. Where he jabbers to himself even though I insist he try to talk. I'd be willing to give up as much of my life as I had to to keep him from going near the pond just so he could be normal again, so he could be safe.

I'm sorry to be so depressing, but I've had all I can take. Russell losing his job, a job that he really enjoyed and we were hoping and praying would go permanent and just the whole holiday has really got me down. I don't know when or where in my life I screwed up to bring this existence on myself or my children, but I wish I knew. I wish I could fix it all. Aidan and Evan deserve better than me. Aidan deserves to be a normal, happy little boy. He and Evan should be fighting over that stupid truck and laughing and playing together.

I wish it was me instead of my baby. Oh, well... enough moping and wishing for something that isn't ever going to happen. So much for a new year- maybe it will be better.


ferfischer said...

I know exactly where you are. I have many of the same feelings. I, too, would do or give anything to live 2008 over again. Let's hope 2009 let's us see amazing progress in both of our kiddos. Hugs to all of you.

Kathy from Phoenix said...

Hi Erin,
I am so very sad for the way you are feeling. I know the Lord led me to you via the internet so that I could pray for you and your family. As 2008 comes to an end I pray that the peace of God will begin to replace the "what if's" that you must replay nearly every minute of the day in your head. Be gentle on yourself and remember that God holds YOU in the palm of him hand.
Kathy Phoenix

renman said...

Repeat and repeat again and again:

"I did NOTHING to deserve this!"

put simply, **it happens -- for those of faith it's the natural consequence of sin in the world.

Sin is here and it is an equal opportunity mess-er-uper!!

And some of us get to live the life of Job. (very good part of Bible to read in times like these)

And no, you are not weak in faith, poor in faith, lacking in faith -- your rantings, questionings are RIGHTEOUS. Even Christ questioned on Maunday Thursday if it HAD to be so, asking God to take the impending events away.
And the mere fact you question, you rant, shows you are still connected to God and He to you.

Rant on, Vent on, Question On....

knowing HE is with you, will sustain you, and will answer you -- tho' dag nabbit --- in His time on His schedule and not on ours.


It's one of those "it defies logic" things that your tragedy is also a blessing.

a blessing to those whose gift of the
Spirit is prayer as they now exercise that gift in prayer for you and Aidan.

a blessing to those whose gift of the Spirit is healing as they now care for Aidan.

a blessing to those whose gift of the Spirit is care and compassion as they now console and commiserate with you.

and even a blessing to you as you now have the opportunity to witness to other all the joys, heartaches, and struggles you are experiencing as witness to God's love sustaining you -- even when it seems He's put you on hold!

Blessings and many good surprises and new found joys in the new year!

SugarEd Productions said...

My heart aches and breaks for you as I read of your torment. I can only imagine the hell you must feel. It is NOT your fault. And you say your boys deserve better than you. Not so. God gave Aidan to YOU because he knew you were the best mom to handle his disabilities. You did not bring those disabilities upon him. This path was determined before he was born.

I have a special needs son and in the early years I nealry had a nervous brekdown. Why him? why me? It took me a long time to come to this conclusion: That Jason's spirit was so blessed and so pure, that he gave up his wholeness before birth, so that he could bring lessons to people in the world who need to learn them. (all the lives he has touched and changed, especially mine.) I see these kids as self sacrificing in their own pure spirits, so they can do good in the world, and touch people who need to be touched and changed. Aiden and God chose you to be his caretaker duting his very special journey, to help heal the world, in very significant ways, through the people you affect.

Does that make sense?

I know it prob doesn't make you feel any better. It was years before I came to terms with things. And even now, I still hate KS with a passion and would do anything to take it away from him.

God Bless you.

Unknown said...

I know exactly how you are feeling Justine's near drowning was 18 1/2 years ago and there are times when my husband has the same feelings. I by no means am not saying that I am over it, but by caring for her day and night I know the Justine I have now better than the old Justine. You will go through a mourning period for the child you lost. And there will always be times especially at graduations and when kids their age are driving and dating that you will be sad and ask why. But it will get easier. We can only hope and pray that aidan will have a better recovery than Justine did. But I will tell you that Justine is a blessing in my life and I can not imagine life without her and every time they smile and look at you with those loving eyes it will make it all worth it. You will get to this point some day. Jodi www,caringbridge/visit/justinepesicka

Luke's Mom said...

I will be praying that 2009 will bring you God's amazing peace and joy. I continue to pray for Aidan to make a full recovery, don't lose hope, nothing is impossible with God!

Love in Christ,